Heart Attack......"No, please God; no."
Actually, "Yes". Sydney had a heart attack. She had chest pains in the evening and felt uncomfortable. She was getting over a bronchial infection and thought that might be why. She took a Motrin and went to bed. In the morning she told me she experienced jaw pain as well. We considered going to the doctor to get an EKG. When we called the doctor said to head to the emergency room. Sydney is one of the healthiest, most well adjusted (handles stress well) people I know. And is singularly the most beautiful person I know; body, mind, and soul. She said,"I don't want to sit in the emergency room all day." I felt the same way. It feels like you go in so the doctor can CYA, take a blood test, and go home. Total BS....not....at least in this case. Sydney was having an ongoing heart attack. She was admitted to the hospital promptly. Then we waited 9 hours for a room. The flu epidemic was decimating hospitals all over town. We arrived at 1:00 PM, and got a room at 10:00 PM.
After two days of tests a heart Cath finally showed 95% blockage in one artery, and 75% blockage in another. Sydney would require a triple bypass. I was terrified, and cried. Later, I went home and cried my self to sleep; and did the same most of the following week. The next 10 days I was a basket case. A physical and emotional train wreck. Sydney, on the other hand showed strength, and a positive attitude. She's an angel...More tests followed. There was concern her heart was too weak, or too damaged to do a bypass. It was never said aloud; however, if that had been the case, she would need a heart transplant.
In this day and age we are hyper connected, with all the expectations that go along with connectivity. It was overwhelming. I didn't want to post on FB during an event like this. Maybe ever. But it might have helped with information flow. So I just tried to keep up with texts and voicemails...I couldn't. It added to the stress, and dysfunctionality of the situation. And at the same time, it was a blessing to have so many people offer to help. I wish I had a way to harness that strength! I was so alone, and so undone that I could not function. The mere thought of seeing my soul mate go through an experience, where separate from a ventilator, and bypass machine your a corpse was too much. And the thought of loosing her undid me. The last year has been one of our most challenging. During that same year I learned "childlike prayer". So I asked, "Lord, what are You doing?", and "What do You want?"
God doesn't speak to me audibly, and I insist its rare that He ever does so to anyone. Talk about an experience that would undo you! But I think He directs thoughts, or leads others to speak what He wants to communicate. I felt he was saying, "I'm teaching you to trust me." So I said, "Could we stop with this lesson for awhile?" Sydney of course was awesome. Super attitude, patient, cheerful, thankful. I wish I was more like her.
The bypass was eventually scheduled for Monday, Jan 22, the first one that day. Emotions ran high with the whole family; and eventually derailed. (Because of my bad, as usual. I'll get to that later.)
The surgery was fast as triple bypass's go; but still 6 hours. Sydney was taken to ICU (standard procedure) at 2:00 PM. I went back to ask about seeing her and was told I could stay if I wanted to; however, they usually didn't want family back until the ventilator was extracted. That should have occurred in the first 2 hours. It didn't. Sydney came out of anesthesia slowly. When she was finally conscious, she was panicked. Her eyes were wide open, darting all over, looking at nothing. Then she began kicking her legs, wildly. She has done this in a much less dramatic way during nightmares in the past. It was horrible. The nurses held her down, and one told me, "This is why we don't want family back here too soon. She won't remember this, but you will." (I will.) I walked out in tears to go talk with the rest of the family. What happened next is hard to explain. But the principles in play were, temperament clashes, generalized fatigue, and a bad choice of words on my part (I'm famous for it.) I suggested everyone might leave because "it would be awhile before we could go back", and "its not a crime to leave". I went back to Sydneys room, sat outside and sobbed. Soon the nurse suggested I go back to the waiting room. When I got there, the room was nearly empty. Most of the family had left.......
I composed a flurry of texts apologizing, and trying to get them to come back. Sydney needed them. I felt like such an ass hole. Her brother, mom, sister, and my son came back. Sydney may not remember they were there; but I believe it mattered. She signed (ASL) with her sister in fact. I stayed till late, then went home. I returned at 5:00 AM. Sydney was in terrible pain, and half conscious. One of the hardest things emotionally was to see her clearly agonizing and not able to communicate details about what was wrong.
The ventilator stayed in 24 hours, longer than originally expected. Then she improved, until her lung unexpectedly collapsed; from which she eventually improved again. Sydney's heart strength is still a factor. She is currently being monitored. But she is home. I am grateful we went to the hospital two weeks ago.
Loosing her would have been unbearable.
One wonders if such a disorienting, emotional, breaking experience would change you. If so, how? I hoped the experience itself; so intense, so deep personally would change me, maybe for the better. I hoped it would. I really did. It would be great for myself, and anyone who is around me to be more patient, engaged, and present. And more caring; genuinely caring. Knowing on a deep personal level that I don't really control anything. I am; in reality, dependent. We all are.
So far, after two tests of that "hope for change", the answer is......I have not changed much, if at all. I was quick to over react in a situation before I had all the facts (being present)...and was more than eager to take control of the discharge process at a hospital, after it slowed to a crawl (patience).
However, there is hope. I did not act on my plan to override the hospital's discharge process. I decided I'd ask Sydney what she thought and go with that.
We waited patiently. : )
Actually, "Yes". Sydney had a heart attack. She had chest pains in the evening and felt uncomfortable. She was getting over a bronchial infection and thought that might be why. She took a Motrin and went to bed. In the morning she told me she experienced jaw pain as well. We considered going to the doctor to get an EKG. When we called the doctor said to head to the emergency room. Sydney is one of the healthiest, most well adjusted (handles stress well) people I know. And is singularly the most beautiful person I know; body, mind, and soul. She said,"I don't want to sit in the emergency room all day." I felt the same way. It feels like you go in so the doctor can CYA, take a blood test, and go home. Total BS....not....at least in this case. Sydney was having an ongoing heart attack. She was admitted to the hospital promptly. Then we waited 9 hours for a room. The flu epidemic was decimating hospitals all over town. We arrived at 1:00 PM, and got a room at 10:00 PM.
After two days of tests a heart Cath finally showed 95% blockage in one artery, and 75% blockage in another. Sydney would require a triple bypass. I was terrified, and cried. Later, I went home and cried my self to sleep; and did the same most of the following week. The next 10 days I was a basket case. A physical and emotional train wreck. Sydney, on the other hand showed strength, and a positive attitude. She's an angel...More tests followed. There was concern her heart was too weak, or too damaged to do a bypass. It was never said aloud; however, if that had been the case, she would need a heart transplant.
In this day and age we are hyper connected, with all the expectations that go along with connectivity. It was overwhelming. I didn't want to post on FB during an event like this. Maybe ever. But it might have helped with information flow. So I just tried to keep up with texts and voicemails...I couldn't. It added to the stress, and dysfunctionality of the situation. And at the same time, it was a blessing to have so many people offer to help. I wish I had a way to harness that strength! I was so alone, and so undone that I could not function. The mere thought of seeing my soul mate go through an experience, where separate from a ventilator, and bypass machine your a corpse was too much. And the thought of loosing her undid me. The last year has been one of our most challenging. During that same year I learned "childlike prayer". So I asked, "Lord, what are You doing?", and "What do You want?"
God doesn't speak to me audibly, and I insist its rare that He ever does so to anyone. Talk about an experience that would undo you! But I think He directs thoughts, or leads others to speak what He wants to communicate. I felt he was saying, "I'm teaching you to trust me." So I said, "Could we stop with this lesson for awhile?" Sydney of course was awesome. Super attitude, patient, cheerful, thankful. I wish I was more like her.
The bypass was eventually scheduled for Monday, Jan 22, the first one that day. Emotions ran high with the whole family; and eventually derailed. (Because of my bad, as usual. I'll get to that later.)
The surgery was fast as triple bypass's go; but still 6 hours. Sydney was taken to ICU (standard procedure) at 2:00 PM. I went back to ask about seeing her and was told I could stay if I wanted to; however, they usually didn't want family back until the ventilator was extracted. That should have occurred in the first 2 hours. It didn't. Sydney came out of anesthesia slowly. When she was finally conscious, she was panicked. Her eyes were wide open, darting all over, looking at nothing. Then she began kicking her legs, wildly. She has done this in a much less dramatic way during nightmares in the past. It was horrible. The nurses held her down, and one told me, "This is why we don't want family back here too soon. She won't remember this, but you will." (I will.) I walked out in tears to go talk with the rest of the family. What happened next is hard to explain. But the principles in play were, temperament clashes, generalized fatigue, and a bad choice of words on my part (I'm famous for it.) I suggested everyone might leave because "it would be awhile before we could go back", and "its not a crime to leave". I went back to Sydneys room, sat outside and sobbed. Soon the nurse suggested I go back to the waiting room. When I got there, the room was nearly empty. Most of the family had left.......
I composed a flurry of texts apologizing, and trying to get them to come back. Sydney needed them. I felt like such an ass hole. Her brother, mom, sister, and my son came back. Sydney may not remember they were there; but I believe it mattered. She signed (ASL) with her sister in fact. I stayed till late, then went home. I returned at 5:00 AM. Sydney was in terrible pain, and half conscious. One of the hardest things emotionally was to see her clearly agonizing and not able to communicate details about what was wrong.
The ventilator stayed in 24 hours, longer than originally expected. Then she improved, until her lung unexpectedly collapsed; from which she eventually improved again. Sydney's heart strength is still a factor. She is currently being monitored. But she is home. I am grateful we went to the hospital two weeks ago.
Loosing her would have been unbearable.
One wonders if such a disorienting, emotional, breaking experience would change you. If so, how? I hoped the experience itself; so intense, so deep personally would change me, maybe for the better. I hoped it would. I really did. It would be great for myself, and anyone who is around me to be more patient, engaged, and present. And more caring; genuinely caring. Knowing on a deep personal level that I don't really control anything. I am; in reality, dependent. We all are.
So far, after two tests of that "hope for change", the answer is......I have not changed much, if at all. I was quick to over react in a situation before I had all the facts (being present)...and was more than eager to take control of the discharge process at a hospital, after it slowed to a crawl (patience).
However, there is hope. I did not act on my plan to override the hospital's discharge process. I decided I'd ask Sydney what she thought and go with that.
We waited patiently. : )
posted by Jim at 10:28 PM
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