Poof...!

That felt all wrong...prayer is for the "inner room"...

Psychology....

Psychology...Is it science? IDK...probably in some respects. I know it attempts to be...However, the following struck me today as odd, unfair, and most importantly unscientific.

Many years ago (at least 20) I was in an automobile accident. Someone ran a red light. I am certain the young lady ran the light. She however, accused me of being drunk (I was not drinking at all) and running the light myself. She was getting married the following weekend (which doesn't really matter, but I remember her saying so). In fact, her fiance showed up at the scene of the accident, as did the Tulsa Fire Dept, EMSA, a Life Flight, (there were no injuries at all, it must have been a slow night) and the Tulsa PD (of course). No tickets were issued because we blamed each other...and there were no witnesses.

I gave a phone deposition the next week for the insurance company. So did the young lady. They (the caller) had a police officer, attorney, and insurance rep. on the line. I had no one with me. A week later, the insurance company called and said they had determined the accident was my fault. HUH? They determined I ran the red light. IS THIS A JOKE? They did not accuse me of lieing, they just said they were going to pin the accident on me...WHAT! WHY?? The insurance rep. who called, stated that psychologist have determined that if someone recounts a situation calmly (w/o passion) they are not telling the truth, and that the girl I hit was much more angry in her deposition. "Hell, I was trying to be polite. That's ridiculous." I said. The insurance adjuster just said, "It doesn't matter, there will be no tickets issued, the case is closed, but your insurance will be paying the damages. You could pursue the case for ego purposes, but that's all it would be." I was pissed, but dropped the subject.

Fast forward to this afternoon. We were watching a show in which an "expert" (psychologist) was explaining what they look for in determining if someone is lieing. One of the subjects being interviewed became very animated about their position. They were passionate about what they were explaining/defending. The expert said, "That kind of behavior is a red flag, when determining if they are lieing. If they become animated, and passionate, it indicates they are lieing." WHAT THE?? You're kidding...Who is to say? These "experts" need to be under a heavy burden of proof. They can just make this crap up and we all accept it.

My point?

I WAS INNOCENT TWENTY YEARS AGO!
THE BITCH LIED...I KNEW IT!! :-)

What was I thinking...thinking out loud?????

I got up this morning and thought, "Why did I post that last entry?"...which is gone now...I was just thinking out loud, kind of sorting things out. But why post it? I think because, when I do that it feels like someone listened, or noticed...but if I really want someone to listen, notice, and even snoop, and sell my posts, then I should have put it up on FB...!
;-)

Thinking...out loud...uh oh.

I've been told that...I think out loud. That's what this post is..except I'm typing (out loud). And the post might be edited as well...so...here goes...

Why can't I get into attending church? I love the Lord, believe Scripture, value prayer, and Holy Communion. I enjoy time with my Christian friends. So what's the problem?

Why is the church hour so frustrating? Why is it regularly the loneliest hour of the week for me? Why? The scripture I claim to love says if I don't love my Christian brothers, that I don't love God either. Maybe, I'm deceived...maybe...however, that can happen to anyone...even you...(so don't be too quick to jump on my case...please...)

I never did like going to church. Growing up I was dragged to church each week, (Its OK mom, I learned good stuff in spite of my attitude.) I hated it. I was not following Christ at the time either.

Now I do follow Christ, or think I do. It depends how you define it, I guess. There have been times when I would have considered my present faith as carnal, leading to death for sure. Now I wonder who the hell I thought I was passing judgment like that. It's Gods place to make judgments like that. My place is to judge what is true...not souls.

I have been a follower of Christ for 30 years now. In that time, there have been few churches I enjoyed. I've heard it all..."Don't look for the perfect church." (I'm not). "You will not be satisfied in Christ's church unless you get meaningfully involved, and lead."...(I don't have the patience.). "You have to work behind the scenes, with humility."...(too lonely) "Try a small group."...(too many Chiefs, and not enough Indians) "You're just too negative." (What!? Possibly that's true...but is it really driving this?) "You don't love people." (Ouch! I think I love...but maybe not well.)

I know I should attend, and be involved in a local church. After trying everything I can think of, it has become so hard. I started this post because I was thinking of going to church in the morning for the first time this year. My choice is a 9:00 service (too early... :-) or an 11:15 service (which goes way to damn long each week). Two hours (plus) is too long...truly, it is. Everyone thinks what they have to say is so important. Believe it or not I used to lead Bible studies, and if everyone had something to say, I cut my lesson short to finish when I promised to finish...so time management is doable in Gods house!

I think of that definition of insanity...(trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result)...Maybe insanity is what I'm engaged in.

What is the answer? Part of me wishes I was wrong, and that this is not an issue I should struggle with. Another part of me thinks I just go and make the most of something, anything...it doesn't matter where or what, just go (somewhere they manage time well..:-)

Frankly, I don't observe many people enjoying themselves (being blessed?) in organized religion. They may say they are; although, it looks contrived more often than not. Which reminds me I am not the only one who struggles with this.

There...and I didn't edit this post after all......(next morning) Now I have done some editing, but it's minimal.

Part 2...(later tonight...a thought)

As I read back over this it occurs to me what ingredient was present every time church was enjoyable, or at least tolerable...Relationship...relationship was present (Sorry to sound trite. Remember, I'm just thinking/typing out loud here..so...)...Relationship...We talk about that a lot in church...however, for myself it has not been present in a long time. Relationship...I remember the kind where people enjoyed each other (you were not just a "project"), and helped each other (not out of guilt, or church requirement, but because they wanted to), and (so important for neurotics like myself) didn't give up on each other. In every case from my initial introduction to Christianity, to every positive experience I've had, that has been the key...that's it (where I received, and gave that kind of relationship)...Now it is just not there...

So, is that it? IDK...I don't...Of course I could just be romanticizing...But it might be something to pray about...